BEYOND INTIMACY EPISODE 2
MARRIAGE IS NOT A SCOREBOARD
One of the greatest enemies of benevolence is scorekeeping.
“I did this yesterday.”
“You didn’t do that for me.”
“I paid the bills last time.”
“You didn’t appreciate what I did.”
“I always initiate.”
When marriage becomes a scoreboard, love becomes a transaction.
Marriage is not:
“I will do for you because you did for me.”
It is:
“I choose to love you.”
“I choose to serve you.”
“I choose to understand you.”
“I choose to care for you.”
This does not mean ignoring genuine imbalances or allowing one spouse to continually neglect their responsibilities. Rather, it means that love should not become a constant calculation of who owes whom.
BUILDING INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
We must understand that intimacy has many dimensions.
There is:
– Physical intimacy
– Sexual intimacy
– Emotional intimacy
– Intellectual intimacy
– Spiritual intimacy
– Relational intimacy
A couple may share a bed and still be emotionally distant.
Therefore, building intimacy requires intentional effort.
What if you find yourself in a “sexless” marriage?
One of the important questions raised in this teaching is:
What do you do when sexual intimacy has become difficult or absent in your marriage?
Do not conclude that every other form of intimacy must disappear.
You can begin to initiate intimacy in other ways.
Talk.
Listen.
Spend time together.
Show affection.
Pray together.
Laugh together.
Hold hands.
Encourage one another.
Create emotional safety.
Begin rebuilding friendship.
Sometimes the journey back to sexual intimacy begins with rebuilding emotional and relational intimacy.
And where sexual intimacy has become persistently absent because of conflict, health issues, trauma, medication, childbirth, hormonal changes, relationship breakdown or other concerns, couples may need honest communication and where appropriate, professional or pastoral help.
A WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO INITIATE INTIMACY
Intimacy should not always be initiated by the husband.
A wife should not feel ashamed to communicate her desire for affection, closeness or sexual intimacy.
Likewise, a husband should not assume that his wife will always know what he needs without him communicating it.
“Initiation is not weakness.”
It can be an expression of love.
The question should not always be:
“Who is supposed to make the first move?”
Sometimes the better question is:
“What can I do today to draw closer to my spouse?”
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
Many marital problems grow because spouses stop communicating.
Instead of saying:
“I feel neglected,”
we attack.
Instead of saying:
“I need more affection,”
we withdraw.
Instead of saying:
“I miss being close to you,”
we become resentful.
Healthy intimacy requires honest and respectful communication.
★ Tell your spouse what you need.
★ Ask your spouse what they need.
★ Listen to understand not merely to respond.
Create an environment where both partners can say:
“This is how I feel.”
“This is what I need.”
“This is what makes me feel loved.”
“This is what makes me feel distant from you.”
PRAYER
Father, help us to love and serve our spouses without keeping scores or keeping records of wrongs in Jesus name….Amen
Father, restore every broken dimension of intimacy in our marriages and rekindle love, friendship and affection, in Jesus name….Amen
Father, give us grace to communicate with love, listen with understanding and reconnect deeply with our spouses, in Jesus name….Amen
